ARCHIVES - 1996 to FOREVER

So I got up an hour early, dammit.

And I got to work ***way*** early, too, of course. I had bought a paper when I got there, and then got a sandwich and coffee when the cafeteria opened.

And work was OK... we had pretty much ran out of patients after 10:30, so I clocked out and went home... forgetting my keys, but remembering my umbrella, heh.

When I went back to get my keys, one of my partners told me that I should write my off time down for AL, since we weren't busy... that means that it won't be taken off of my leave, and that I will accumulate AL and PTO time with those hours.

I have friends that look after me, I do.

When I got home, Debbie had not left for KC yet... she's picking up her MIL in KC and taking her back to Wichita with her, then she'll bring her back on Monday and come by here.

And Karen told me after I'd kissed her hello that she wanted to talk to me about something....

I asked her if Debbie could be in on the conversation, and she said of course.

Her main concern is knowing how long that she has left, and if she should have more CT scans, or PET scans, that could give her a better idea.

Conversely, did she even want to know?

And the answer to that is, essentially, nobody can tell how long she has... it's mostly up to her, and how strong she is and how willing she is to fight.

And scans will tell us how far the disease has progressed, and we already know that she has metastasis to her brain, which was greatly relieved by the steroids.

And the docs know, and I know, that this is an aggressive disease which spreads widely and quickly when the treatments don't work... and they haven't worked for Karen.

And they don't work in 90% of the people who have a stage I form of the disease, much less stage IV.

So all we can do is make sure that she's comfortable... and hospice personnel are trained well to do that. And that part is working.

And , fuck it... we just wait for her to die.

Because there's not a fucking thing that we can do about it.

And that's a hard, hard truth, but it's a fucking strong truth. And truths don't go away, and it's hard to write through tears, and the fucking tears won't go away either.

But I called the hospice nurse and told her of the situation and she said that they recommend that patients not go that route, but it's the patients' choice... but it usually does more harm than good.

And she will talk with the social worker, who will come talk to Karen.

This is something that needs to come from the hospice medical team and not from me....

And that's what they are there for, and that's what they do well.

There is a thing worse than hope... and that is a false hope.

Fuck cancer. Just fuck it.