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And I should be eating Cathy's lasagna and apple crisp, that Reta left in the oven for me... but I'm not.

I'm not hungry... should I make myself eat? I don't know, I don't care, dammit.

A coupla days ago, I bought new power conditioners (APCs) for the computers, and I should be installing them... but I'm not.

Karen is still more lucid... but I didn't want to tell her what I know.

But two or three months ago, she told me that she wanted to know everything that I knew, every step of the way.

And she is more lucid... so I told her everything. She didn't like that at all, and neither do I... but I had made a promise to her. Now it will not be necessary to bring it up again.

I got there about 08:00, and she was just waking... Reta said that she'd had a good night... unfortunately, she'd wet the bed, and felt bad about that. She's always waited until the last moment, she can't do that any more.

She did have a good morning... I took Reta home about 09:00 or so, and went back right after that. Andy got there just shortly before I did, so he and she had a good visit. He had some financial obligations that she had really been worried about, and he promised that he'd take care of them. I will hold him too that... loans co-signed by Karen to him that I didn't know about....

I helped her take a shower shortly after noon ( Jan had got there about 11:00, I think) and she was happy being clean, but she declared that about twice more of that would mean an instant divorce... I guess that I'm not much help taking showers, but she did say that I was better than the nurses....

22:15...
I just semi-finished paying the bills... many of them overdue by not. Not been at the top on my list of priorities, I'm afraid.

I also go to talk with Tyler and JD... damn, but they're wonderful men.

And while I'm doing the compliments... Reta. Reta is a wonderful person, loving and caring and sacrificing... I don't know what I'd do without her right now.

And the folks on teh interweb? Wonderful, wonderful and supportive.

And the same with the folks at work... I got an offer from my former supervisor today... or yesterday, I can't remember... to bring over food. And my fridge is already full.

And I'm feeling slightly guilty, 'cause Reta heated up the lasagna and left it in the over, but I don't really want to eat... even though I know that I should.

I'm just really hoping that Karen is better tomorrow... this is kinda like hoping that you can get a few more miles out of an old worn-out car, I'm afraid... but I do so want to be with her a few more day, s few more hours... whatever I can have... I'm greedy for those good moments, when I can tell her that I love her and see in her beautiful brown eyes that she knows that I mean it, and that she loves me too.

So far, even during the worst of times, I can kiss her and tell her that I love her, and no matter how far out her mind has been, she always says, "I love you too, sweet babe..."

Fuck cancer. Just fuck it.