Finally! Home, the bed is only a few steps away... I gotta remember to take my pills first though. This is written now, everything else is from earlier...
I had taken a vow to not talk here about being tired; however, that seems to be a dominant factor in my life, so I'm reneging on that one. I'm deathly tired today. I had a busy night last night, and I got to bed about 09:00. At 12:30 the phone rang; I had forgotten to turn it off. I had to pee then, so I got up. Then I thought I should listen to the message. It was a girl who wanted some computer help that I'd forgotten to call back on Friday. Unfortunately, I was now wide awake. So I checked my e-mail. And checked some journals out. Then I went back to bed. Started worrying about money again. Couldn't get back to sleep. Got up again, tried to sleep again, etc. I had my alarms set for 15:30 anyway, so I finally just stayed up.
I stopped on the way and bought a carton of Marlboros. Then on to get the heart monitor. My shave job was totally wasted, I got a different girl this time, she never even noticed and I didn't want to point it out. It didn't turn out too well anyway, my chest hair hadn't really grown back in enough to make it work. Additionally, she only shaved a small portion of my chest, this monitor only uses two leads.
It's a pretty neat deal, it's about half again the size of a pack of cigarettes, attached to two leads, one on the right upper chest, the other laterally on the left abdomen. It's constantly monitoring and stores the last 30 seconds, so if you notice symptoms and push the button, it already has 30 seconds in memory and it adds another 30 seconds. So you get a full minute of monitoring. It has enough memory for five episodes. It can be read over the phone (no modeming involved, it uses an audible signal) or they can plug it in and read it directly. After it's read, the memory is dumped and it's ready to go again.
It's 02:30 now, only 4 1/2 hours to go before I can go home...
And I'm usually not a clock-watcher...
On a wholly different note: Karen and I saw each other briefly last night, and, among other things, discussed this journal. I'm supposed to print it out for her every day so she can read it. It seems as if I spend more time writing stuff in here anymore than I do talking to Karen. This is my evaluation, not hers. She just expressed an interest, I'm drawing my own conclusions. I don't say anything in here that I would hide from her or anyone else, for that matter. But when I say it here and the whole world knows about it, I forget that I never tell her!
And speaking of the carton of Marlboros... I'm about ready to give it another try. I'm going to talk some doctor somewhere into giving me some heavy-duty tranquilizers or something... something to make it work. I'd rather be a zombie for several months than to continue smoking. Maybe with the patch and an adequate amount of Valium, I can make it work. I don't know, but it's worth a try. I really hate feeling so shitty about myself; I feel really good about almost everything else in my life. Except the finances, of course. I think I'm going to start playing the lottery. The single solution to all of my problems... there is a hierarchy to everything, it seems, especially problems and habits. If you get rid of your worst problem/habit, your next-to-the-worst problem/habit becomes your worst problem/habit, and etc etc. You can never be perfect, but you can convince yourself that you are...
04:30...I can't let the night go by without mentioning the BLUE MOON, and, speaking of astronomical phenomena, which a blue moon isn't, I asked to get 11 AUG off, the second night of the Persied meteor shower. It's been about fifteen years since I was off when it occurred and it wasn't cloudy. I just want to go out to a lake somewhere and sit in a banana lounge in a sleeping bag and watch the sky with Karen, if she can get off too. Otherwise I'll just go by myself, but it's much more fun sharing it with someone that you love. I just want a clear night!
The way I feel right now, I'm going to go home, FTP this and hit the sack. I need to limit my sleep today so I can get a good turn-around tomorrow. But I really want to sleep about fifteen hours... I have to go to work again at 19:00, so realistically I can get nine, which will be OK. There's no chance for insomnia today! I'll be asleep when my head hits the pillow...
Good night.... and...