Well, this weekend's trip didn't work out at all. We woke up Saturday morning, I took a shower and then started feeling really lousey, kinda like Wednesday night. To make a long story short, I went back to bed, slept about 24 hours and now I feel much better. I feel really bad about it, because Karen really wanted to go, but neither of us wanted to be away from Topeka in case something was going on that might require medical care. I been there before, I didn't like it.

I did wake up at one point to hear a kid crying. And crying and crying. Drew and Lacee were spending the evening with us, and Drew was inconsolable. He almost died from it. Grandma does not have the patience with screaming kids that she used to, and grampa never did. Lacee did really well with it, though. She would shrug her shoulders and look concerned. Anyway, their parents came and got them about 23:30, and quiet descended over us, we went to sleep. I was up maybe an hour that time. Went right back to sleep.

Waiting for the Sunday paper now. It's usually here by now. I want to see if they've decided that it was a bomb on that plane Wednesday night. I guess I could turn on the TV, but I might wake up Karen.

Terribly hot days here lately. A lot like summer in Kansas...

I had some very strange dreams during the last 24... about fishing. I don't ever remember a fishing dream before... I was catching these tiny fish that I couldn't get off of my hook. They were good fighters, though.

This is really disjointed subject-wise. Maybe I'm not really awake, but I just think I am. I really hate those dream when that happens... Speaking of disjointed, check the Independence Day review.

More later probably. It's only 05:15, a lot can happen.

And did, already. I have thought of nothing but smoking ever since I got up. I suppressed it until after I read the paper, then submitted. Went and bought a pack. Smoked one coming home. Smoking another one now. No, I don't feel better. I feel worse. Defeated again. Why the fuck does this have to be so hard?

Later....
I have spent the morning reading some new journals. Estrogen and Banter are ones that I think I'll add to my regulars list. There are far too many graphics for my tastes in Estrogen, but the content of each seems to make it worthwhile.

And, speaking of graphics, I think I know why I don't like them in general. The ostensible reason is that they take too long to load. And they really don't add that much to the content. But the real reason is... I'm a book person. Not a comic book person. Words, words put together so that they have meaning in and of themselves, not needing anything else to make the point, or to make you want to read them. Stories. About people, things, discoveries.

Don't get me wrong, I like pictures. I even have a few graphics up, and some pictures. I have pictures hanging in my living room, my bathroom, my bedroom, my hallway, even in my computer room. None of them detract from the theme of my home. (My home has a theme?)

I'm just rambling on, trying to make myself feel better. It's not working at all. Shitty, is probably the most apt description. I've smoked more than a half-pack now (it's 09:32) and I can't get the gumption up to throw the goddamned things away. I'll smoke one more then do it. I have a headache, my brain probably doesn't want to be friends with my body any longer, I can't really blame it, but my brain is involved in this too, it can't get off that easy. No sympathy here. Getting cardiac arrhythmias smoking this last cigarette. How can I continue being this stupid?

Wait... you don't have to answer that. I just flushed the last seven cigarettes down the toilet so they can be with the rest of the shit. Maybe I can get smarter. It's worth a try, anyway.

I can get through the rest of this day, anyway. More later...

I got an email from Willa, I hope that she doesn't mind me using it...

I think your dream about the little fighting fishies that you can't get off the hook is about, guess what, cigarettes. They're small, they seem innocuous, but they really have a hold on you and you can't get rid of them. And the bankruptcy thing has got to be stressful. Not the best of times to try to quit.

Bob's done it more than once, once with hypnotism, once with the nicotine patches. He always starts again "just because he wants to." He gains a little weight usually, and we can't have that. I hate it, but I don't nag him anymore.

Anyway, good luck. I know it's hard.

I talked it over with Karen, and she agrees that this is not a good time. Unfortunately, there has never been a good time. Probably never will be... anyway, I feel better, hearing from Willa and other e-friends out there!

So, I'm done quitting for now...